god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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