I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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