some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
