are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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