you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
