everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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