What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
