Im at strip club and am horny
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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