I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Randomize
