I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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