There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
