those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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