she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
