Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
