....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
