All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
