that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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