so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
