so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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