It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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