My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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