don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
