If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
