I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
