I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
