Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
