I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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