I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
