Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
