oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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