i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
