I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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