I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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