I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
