I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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