That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
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