i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
