He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
