in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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