Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
