I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just threw up on my dentist
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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