I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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