Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
I need moral support for this bender
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.