Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
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That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.