I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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