i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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