I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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