I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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