In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
