My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
