We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
