I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
