maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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