Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
